Following complaints by its citizens that Edinburgh has become a “tourist city”, a controversial proposal to build a copy of the city’s many historic sights and attractions and put it in a giant dome outside the city has been lodged by local residents.

Drawing inspiration from some of the world’s most sophisticated theme park attractions that simulate the outside indoors, this new Edinburgh experience will distil all of the city’s historic charm into one space, leaving out the real-life components of the actual city, and keep the non-residents away from Edinburgh itself.

The tourist trade in Edinburgh, which contributes millions to the local economy, has become a massive burden to its citizens, and these new plans will see the city returned to exclusive use by its permanent residents

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Edinburgh, as seen from Calton Hill, courtesy of Visit Scotland. Many local residents still haven’t accepted that there is no R in Calton.

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It will also see all busking pipers taken from the city’s streets and stuck in the dome, so that its residents don’t have to hear “Scotland the Brave” 16,000 times per day.

Cherish Dougan, the brains behind the scheme, described the project as “a hybrid of Disneyland and a Las Vegas themed casino, without the gambling and hedonism”.

When asked why the city’s residents were fed up of the tourist trade, Ms Dougan added:

“We don’t have anything against tourists, we just simply don’t like them”.

Tourism in the city

Like many places in Scotland, Edinburgh continues to offer some strange fascination to tourists, who are continually coming over to see it.

As the city’s permanent population continues to grow, so it seems does its tourist numbers.

Robert McMorrin, a life-long resident in Trinity, said of the castle:

“I just dinnae get it. What’s so exciting about a 1000 year old fortress built on tap o’ a volcanic rock that’s played a crucial part in Scotland’s wild and varying history, that sits perched ow’r beautiful public gardens and gies panoramic views aroond the city?”

Of course, if plans are approved, it will leave a large number of gap sites in the city, especially around the Old Town, which is effectively all tourist attractions.

The castle, being one of the largest of the attractions in the city, will be vacant, but rumour has it that William Hill and Ladbrokes are “very interested” in the premises, with Pret A Manger or Eat looking to establish a cafe there.

The Queen has expressed no interest in replicating Holyrood Palace in this new dome, instead proclaiming that she’s relieved she’ll finally be able to lock the front door to “those bloody tourists”. This is a sentiment shared by the residents of Ramsay Gardens who are “fed up of the bloody tourists taking photos at our front door”.

Mr McMorrin added: “It’ll just be so nice tae be able tae walk doon the street tae ma work and no huv tae dodge tourists takin’ selfies in front o awhing.”

New Edinburgh

The plans for the tourist version of the city are quite exciting, allowing designers to take “the best bits” about the city and cut out the less nice bits. However, to keep it all feeling just like home, there will be scent-producing machines that pour familiar Edinburgh smells into the dome, including brewery smells, spilled beer and urine.

Historic Scotland said that the new improved castle design for the dome will feature a state of the art animatronic system, similar to Disney’s Hall of Presidents attraction, but with historical figures from Scotland’s history, all dubbed by Mel Gibson.

In addition, the Royal Mile will only be 500 yards long, but forced perspective design will make it look like its original length. It will serve as a facade to a 100,000 seat arena where Fringe festival performers can do their thing every August.

All the tourist souvenir shops, each selling identical junk, will be encouraged to pool together into one giant tat emporium, with only one large sound system playing the same bagpipe music at full blast.

Lastly, tourists arriving to the city from the airport will be able to enjoy the Edinburgh tram experience, which will have a station intended for the dome but will stop some 600 yards away from the building.

Christmas and Hogmanay

Edinburgh offers an annual Christmas market which has dramatically expanded in recent years and now occupies several city centre sites. This will be moved to the dome where the tourist emporium shop will simply be re-themed at Christmas so that all the traders who are selling the same stuff can be in the same space.

Edinburgh’s Hogmanay street party is one of the most famous in the world, attracting hundreds of thousands of attendees each year and concluding with a spectacular fireworks display. This will be moved into the dome now, and instead of fireworks, they will simply be simulated by a state of the art light show that is projected onto the new castle, for fears that the sounds of fireworks might upset the city’s residents.

Meanwhile, the Rt Hon. Donald Wilson, Lord Provost of Edinburgh was unable to comment on these plans, with a perplexed expression on his face and his mouth agape. Rumour has it that the council is “giving up trying to please the citizens”.

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